Marriage Killers - Poor Mechanics

Its been said that knowing a good mechanic is like knowing a good doctor.


I remember my first assignment in auto-mechanics class, (perhaps the only high-school subject that's served me since)... A complete tear down and rebuild of a 454 cubic inch, big block V8 engine, alongside three other budding "physicians". I was happy to work on the big American lump and make new friends in the process. But it soon became apparent that as a group, we were fragmented in our approach to performing the assignment.


Rick and I were what you might call casual techs; effortlessly alternating our subject of conversation between girls, weekend plans and the project at hand. To my left, we had Adrian; the real brains of the operation. He not only had a passion for all motorized things, but also kept us in line when we ignored torque values or assembly order. And straight across, we had Pete. Pete showed up for class... Most of the time. And he giggled a lot. Pete would eventually make sure that our powerful piece of engineering would never again produce a single horsepower. More on that later.


I have spent the last two years seeking to understand as much as I can about human relationships. More specifically, romantic connections and of course; divorce. I have attended counselling sessions, read books, blogs and articles, attended a divorce groups, watched videos, talked to others who have gone or are going through similar issues. I have been the recipient of a vast amount and variety of advice. I can't possibly share all that I gathered during that time. But here are some unexpected and even elusive bits...


First of all; people are broken. All of us. The abandoned ones, the ones leaving for "something better", the ones trying to counsel away the pain, the ones judging one or both sides, and the ones sitting quietly on the sidelines thankful that it's not them. Human beings are massive vacuums of praise and approval. And the more unaware they are of their condition, the more damaging they become to themselves and to others.


It wasn't long before I began to notice a pattern. The more splintered one is, the more one's advice becomes a coping mechanism for the very brokenness that drives it. The value of that advice is usually inversely proportional to the degree of the dysfunction in the issue in question. I am not sure what that says about me and this particular exercise, but it is important that I share it as I see it. There is a disturbing tendency for people dishing out counsel to assume that sincerity is reason enough for an argument to be heard and followed. But in fact, sincerity loses to truth every time. (Although it's nice to have both)


You wouldn't trust a mechanic whose own vehicles keep breaking down, or one whose last engine rebuild ended in a fireball and a cloud of smoke, would you? So why would we listen to someone whose track record on the very subject their counsel is on, is so far from ideal?...


Here is where it gets interesting. The reason we might listen to such a person is because, what we are looking for is acclamation and not real advice. And the advice giver is often happy to fill that need in exchange for a chance to vindicate himself in his struggles. And so the cycle goes.


Another golden nugget that seems to elude many pseudo-counselors has to do with what separates married couples who thrive, and those whose marriages fail. I expected to find the difference to be largely circumstantial, in that the reason some couples divorce would have to do with events occurring during their relationship that don't happen to couples who remain strongly united. That's what I was told by so many. I've since learned that this is completely false. The stories of conflict and relationship breakdown are virtually indistinguishable. The pain experienced within the marriages is also comparable between both types of couples. And the same can be said for incompatibility between mates.


There is one glaring ingredient that separates divorced couples from those who remain together for life. That ingredient is commitment; intentional purpose as it relates to marriage, largely independent from circumstances or a mate's performance.

If I could categorize couples into types I would say that they fall into one of three categories; first there are couples who face relationship threatening challenges but remain together for reasons like; comfort, apathy or fear. Second, there are couples who face relationship threatening challenges and split up. Third, there are couples who face relationship threatening challenges and decide to do whatever it takes to triumph over those challenges. I found no long term married couples who did not face relationship threatening challenges.

Back in shop class... 


I can't recall who it was, but one of us caught Pete coarse sanding the crankshaft journals of our big block. To those who may not know their way around an engine, what Pete did was destroy one of the most critical surfaces of any combustion engine. In the haste of our fear for a poor group mark on the project, we decided to quietly assemble the unit as it was and go to our graves with the messy secret. It is obvious that we did not, but our engine did go to the grave, as it never turned over again.


Pete certainly meant well. He wanted to impress the rest of the guys by taking initiative and he must have figured that if sand paper was an appropriate solution to clean rust from an exhaust manifold then it must suit a bearing surface just the same. Our friend was very sincere, but dead wrong.


Ideally every engine rebuild would be performed by the one who engineered it, but this is not possible... or is it?