Marriage Killers - In-laws

I've always liked fast vehicles, of any kind. One summer I worked over 60 hours a week at a gas station to save for my first motorcycle. As a novice, I was showered with counsel from experienced riders as to which two wheeled machine might be appropriate. I was wisely told to start off with a well used, manageable bike of limited power and girth. So, I came to the only sensible conclusion I could have, and pulled the trigger on a mint condition (SuperBike Championship winning) Kawasaki Ninja 750R. The black beauty, as I would call her...

I survived my youthful foolishness and have come full circle to lay guidance upon the def ears of other young riders, with various results. I've also gained a deeper appreciation for those who used their experience to benefit me. That said, most of us need to make our own judgements and decisions based on the information we've acquired. I can only hope to remember that when it comes time to "help" my children navigate life's twists and turns.

In-laws can be polarizing figures. Under the guise of being helpful, they have the power to be just that, or at times, quite the opposite. Parents are just like the rest of us, imperfect people with opinions, the difference being that their "greater experience" makes them that much more set in their ways. They are often convinced that we "the kids" just need to get with their program. What makes things more difficult is that they are often right. 

I've been fortunate to have In-laws who opened their heart and home to me, when there was little evidence of any positive return. They gave of what they valued most. In purely worldly terms, you can't ask for more than that.

You have to be a special kind of people to look the other way when two of your cars are damaged in a single accident or when a house deck is burnt down (bbq incident) by the same audacious teenager who happens to have become the centre of your only child's thoughts and passions. If that young man is a long haired, fast talking, motorcycle riding, under employed individual with his heart set on your little girl, you wouldn't throw him your car keys, would you?... And certainly not any keys engraved with a prancing horse… (Cue heavy metal guitar riff and mischievous wink)

Yep. That's right. 

From day one, I was received and made to feel like part of a family that served me like the prince to my future princess. That's a far cry from the evening I have planned for my (future) daughters' main squeeze - I shall be cleaning some kind of tactical weapon on my kitchen table, and practice the facial expression (or lack thereof) I'd like burned in Buddy's long term memory. But I digress...

While I have been fortunate with both parents and in-laws, these relationships aren't always smooth. I often hear and read some real nightmarish accounts that go a long way in breaking up good loving couples. Here is a short list of examples, in no particular order:

Mother Stewart: "You know dear, when I used to do Brucies laundry, I never forgot the softener and always ironed his underpants. Brucie likes that. By the way, the children are looking emaciated. Are you giving them that made from scratch porridge I told you about?… Let me see that hair, oh dear you need to go blond. Brucie loves blondes."

Father Stewart: "Honda, eh? How's the jap-crap holding up? Did you order that synthetic oil from that shop in South Carolina? Million miles, guaranteed! Hey, how's your portfolio? Did you get into gold bullion yet? Did you fix the toilette upstairs?… Don't worry, I'll send one of my guys... "  

Mother Gimme: "Hello? Hi honey it's me. Listen, I need a little favour… Can you spot me $$$. I know I still owe you from the last time, but it's just that blah blah blah… I promise I'll pay you. No need to tell your husband."

Father Repo: "What do you mean I can't borrow the truck on a work day? I'm the guy that bought you those Earnhardt seat covers and hubcaps. And the WrestleMania clock and china set. And this is how you repay me?! I thought we were blood! By the way; where is all that stuff?…"

Mother Bee: "Sit down honey! When I visit, I will cook and clean. I insist. Oh, can you turn the TV on to the Soap channel? Thaaaanks..."

Father Silent: "Sorry honey, you know that your dad never really liked Bill. You best let him be."

Mother Guide: "You know dear... I can see that you're unhappy. I think it's time you moved on. This marriage isn't working. Do what I did; it may have taken three tries, but as soon as I divorce Gulliver, I'm sure I'll find the perfect man. And so will you. Pass the bonbons."

Father Timeshare: "So Barb and I are going to be coming over for 6 weeks. Make sure you clear the garage for our car, and that the kids are on their best behaviour. Remember, I have a heart condition."

These are just a few examples of the caustic environment that so many homes suffer from, because of the well intended influence of parents and in-laws. Sometimes the pressure is subtle but destructive nonetheless. All this being said, I really need to stress the following: The negative influence of in-laws on any relationship is not their fault. It is ours.

Parents are usually well intended. Vilifying them is the wrong approach. They are using all the tools in their (incomplete) tool boxes in providing support to those they love. It is the couple's responsibility to establish boundaries based on mutual needs and what's best for the household. Not based on past history, upbringing or by fear of what the seniors may say or think. After a lifetime of deferring every decision to those who changed our diapers, it is indeed difficult to set some hard (and I mean hard) guidelines for what is acceptable in your home. But as far as I can tell, it is crucial and non-negotiable in any healthy marriage.

Because relationships with our parents are so unique in creating codependent definitions of normal behaviour, it can be very challenging for a mate to understand or even approve of long accepted behaviours that are seen as trivial by the family of origin. This is why communication is so important in working towards unified guidelines for the new family. 

If faced with an impasse, seek out third party help from a counsellor or a wise and neutral friend. Never from the parents. Once boundaries are established, enforce them without compromise and always in love (whether it is received as such or not). The direct child of the seniors should be the one to present them with any family protocols, and always as a unified entity, unlike the following approach...

"Mom it's not me, it's just that Mary hates it when you organize her cabinets and rearrange the furniture without asking." 

If this is your methodology you are in greater danger than a ham-fisted novice on a crotch rocket. And you probably deserve to spend a few nights on your newly rearranged couch.